A Comedy of Errors- Chasing Cows

A Comedy of Errors- Chasing  Cats Cows

The following is absolutely true. I am writing this for posterity, and so the recollection of what happened to me today does not fade.

I am a National Park Ranger; I have been doing this job for 2 months, and fully admit I am still learning.

One of the parks I work at is Oxon Hill Farm at Oxon Cove Park. It is a working farm, with 300 acres of land and happens to be inside the DC beltway.

One program we do every day is milk our cow, Minnie. I was on the schedule to milk Minnie today. It is actually a pretty neat little program, and the kids help us milk the cow and learn a little bit about why cows and cow milk are an important part of life on the farm. Minnie is an 800 pound animal, and it is always interesting having kids get up close to such a large creature.

Earlier in the day, I had let out the baby goat, Aaron. Aaron is a sweet goat, bottle raised, he loves being around people. I like to say he thinks he is a dog.

I had gotten everything prepped, I am ready to get the cow program started, and I open the cow barn to visitors…one of which is Aaron the goat. It was quite a dance getting our visitors into the barn, and keeping Aaron out. Once the door was closed, Aaron’s plaintive bleating could still be heard inside the barn.

Other than the sounds of goat, the program actually went quite well. There were some good questions and many excited children to touch and milk a cow for the very first time.

Minnie is a sweet cow, but after 40 minutes of standing, she needs to be bribed to stick with us. We bribe her with feed made with molasses, which the cows love. I made sure to have extra feed in trough for her.

Once people began to leave, I was initially worried Aaron would come into the barn…he didn’t, he followed the first family back down to the central area of the farm. I thought my issues were done…they had not even started.

Once all the families left, I closed up the barn, and spent the next 20 minutes milking the cow. It is a lot more work than it would at first seem.

My job done, I release Minnie from the harness she is in during the milking. She pulls her head out of the harness and proceeds to just look at me. Not moving…just looking.

…Ok…

I continued the closing up procedure. I opens up the barn door, usually Minnie will head happily into the field at this point…she did not move…she just continued to look at me.

…Ok…

Usually when I let Minnie out into the field, I open up the second gate that gives her access to the 2nd, much bigger field as well.

Barn door open…gate open…I turn and see…Minnie the cow has still not moved…she was still looking at me…

I told Minnie, “Girl, it is time to go.” I walk up to her and as I am starting to get her to move five cows walk into the now open barn, through the now open gate.

…really?

The biggest one (over 1000 pounds), an old surly female cow by the name of Buffy ,walks into the barn, looks directly at me, and drops a cow pie onto the floor.

…really.

They all begin to congregate around the trough; I take off my ranger hat and begin waving it around:
“Hyaaa! Hyaa! Out! Out!”

Four of the interloping cows, whose hearts I guess were not really in it, complied and marched themselves back out, Minnie at this point also made her graceful exit.

It was sometime during this period where one the cows kicked the bucket. All the milk I had collected spilled out onto the barn floor.

Fun.

Oh and Buffy ignored me.

As soon as the others left, I turned toward Buffy, as I am trying to get the attention of this mammoth animal…two cows decided to reenter the barn. I redirected them out…and then rewent to Buffy, as soon as I began working to get Buffy out, the two would come back in.

This went on for a few minutes, play the Benny Hill Theme in your head if you would like.

I needed a new plan of attack. I herded one of the two cows back out, and then got all of the cows that were in the small field through the gate, and closed it.

I now had Buffy, and Chloe. Chloe was much smaller than Buffy, but as an Angus cow, has lots of muscle. Chloe would leave the pen, but every time I went to heard Buffy out, Chloe would turn around and come back to the trough. It is at this point, while flailing my hat out at them, the hatband goes flying off the hat.

Great.

I pulled out a rake and tried to maneuver the cows with it…with little success.

I decide to make a call. I call up one of the much more experienced rangers and tell her I need help with the cows. She told me she was dealing with something right now, but would be down in a few minutes.

I hit on another idea.

Perhaps I can get more with honey than vinegar.

I decide to close the barn door, and open the secondary barn door, which goes onto the main field. I grab a large pale of the molasses oats, show them to the two uncooperative cows, and then pour it outside the door.

The two ignore the feed, continuing to try and get to the feed in the trough.

The cow that does not ignore the feed is Minnie, now grazing in the large field. She seems me, sees the feed, and begins running towards me.

Super.

I duck back into the barn, close that door, and hear as Minnie happily begins to eat food I put out to entice the other cows.

At this point I pull out my phone and see that I have a text message from my supervisor:
“You called me twice. What’s up?”

I HAD POCKET DIALED MY BOSS TWICE!

…deep breath…

I texted back: “Butt dial. Sorry. Cows got into the barn. They are not being good negotiators.”

I then told him someone was already on the way to help.

While waiting, I cleaned up the cow poop while contemplating the meaning of my life.

Then the cavalry arrived! The ranger with years more of experience than me came in, and took charge. In less than 30 seconds she got the two cows out of the barn and into the field. I was both incredibly impressed with her and annoyed at my own inability at cattle rustling.

When I got back to the farm’s central area, Aaron the goat was happy enough to see me though.